LOCAL MAN'S SHIT DOES NOT STINK

BOULDER, CO -- Medical history was made Wednesday as medical researchers at the University of Colorado released a report on the amazing case of Richard Bosley, a man whose shit does not stink.

Bosley, 36, CEO of Unidyne Global InterCorp in Boulder, first caught the attention of CU medical researchers when his internist, Dr. David Henrick, reported that Bosley had given him some highly unusual stool samples during a routine physical examination.

"We were skeptical when we first heard about Richard Bosley and his odor-free bowel movements," said Dr. Stephen Ariazzi, head of gastroenterological research at CU. "But we were intrigued enough to ask him to come in for more testing."

"I had never given a second thought to my non-stinking shit," said Bosley during an interview conducted via cell phone from his daughter's soccer practice. "I always assumed that all upper-middle-class, churchgoing Americans with perfectly straight teeth and a firm handshake produced odorless excrement. [laughs] When the other kids would get diarrhea, they would call it 'the Hershey squirts'. I decided that if I ever got diarrhea, I would call it 'the marshmallow squirts'. [laughs again] But of course I never got diarrhea."

Bosley arrived at the CU Anshutz Center for Advanced Medicine on December 20 and immediately astouded researchers by producing "the most amazing turds we have ever seen," according to Dr. Ariazzi. "The stools were ivory-white and perfectly cylindrical," Dr. Ariazzi continued, "and upon further inspection, we discovered that the shit was not odorless at all, but possessed a fresh, pleasant scent."

According to the research team's report, attempts to describe the stools' scent ranged from "lilacs in the springtime" to "pine woods after a summer's rain."

Excrement experts from around the world have converged on CU in an attempt to discover the cause of Bosley's stinkless shit. The debate has broken down into classic nature-versus-nurture themes -- some scientists point to Bosley's diet, which is rich in sushi, Starbucks coffee, and herb-encrusted Chilean sea bass; while other researchers favor a genetic explanation, citing Bosley's WASP heritage, Nordic good looks, and impeccable family history, full of upstanding citizens who ate their peas, graduated from college, and never caused anyone any trouble. A group of Danish scientists have advanced an environmental theory which incorporates Bosley's frequent exposure to luxury SUVs, first-class air travel, tailored Italian suits, and skybox seating at Broncos football games.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/08/2004 11:55:00 PM