Like most people, I spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of graphics I would get painted on my mask if I were a hockey goaltender.

One thing I would not do is wear a mask with my team colors randomly splashed all over the place. Nor would I settle for my team's logo or some flaccid riffing thereupon. The hockey goaltender's mask is the greatest vehicle for personal expression in major league North American sports. Think about it: basketball players can wear headbands... that match their jerseys. Baseball players have the option of letting their socks show, or not. Woo-hoo. The NFL is so fussy that last year they fined Ravens quarterback Chris Redman $5,000 for wearing black high-tops to honor Johnny Unitas. But hockey goaltenders are allowed to take a vital piece of equipment and paint whatever the hell they want on it.

So I would want a mask painted to reflect my individuality. If people saw me in a police lineup with five other goaltenders, I would want them to point and say, "I'd recognize that mask anywhere! That's Kilgore Trout, the Hall of Fame goaltender known for his preternatural quickness and unorthodox sprawling style! He's the goaltender who was hiding in the bushes outside my wife's bedroom last night!"

I used to think it would be cool to get a feral animal painted in my mask with its mouth open in such a way that its jaws encircled my face, with its upper fangs just above my forehead and its lower fangs on the chin protector. But so many goaltenders have used that idea that the design is now a cliche. Also, I wouldn't be able to use the chin protector as a design area to display my nickname or just a cool symbol of personal significance, like Jim Carey's four aces or Ed Belfour's Make-A-Wish Foundation logo.

I would avoid the use of incongruous iconography on my goaltender mask. For example, Curtis "Cujo" Joseph used some sort of weird blue wolf on his mask when he played for Toronto. But Cujo was a St. Bernard, not a wolf! And Rick Tabaracci, when he played for the Washington Capitals, had Mount Rushmore on the upper part of his mask. But Mount Rushmore is in South Dakota, not Washington!

Lots of great mask designs are based on the goaltender's name or nickname. Eddie "The Eagle" Belfour uses eagles on his classy masks. Blaine Lacher's awesome mask features a snarling Loch Ness Monster. Olaf "Godzilla" Kolzig's mask... well, just guess, for chrissake.

I think I'm onto something here. I will use a trout on my mask. But what kind of trout? An angry killer trout with glowing red eyes and glistening fangs? An intense trout in full goaltender regalia? A monster trout brandishing razor-sharp dorsal fins and shooting lightning from its gills? A sick-and-twisted, Tim Burtonesque Nightmare Before Christmas trout in black and shades of gray?

Whatever. As long as I can have Meredith Baxter-Birney on the chin protector.

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/06/2004 11:57:00 PM