CHECKLIST OF THINGS TO DO NOW THAT
TERROR ALERT HAS BEEN LOWERED TO YELLOW

• Remove cork from anus.
  
• Cease continuous reading of the Book of Leviticus through a bullhorn in the town square.
  
• Start mixing breakfast martini with Stoli Limon instead of Stoli Ohranj.
  
• Celebrate the Yellow Alert by giving someone a Yellow Shower.
  
• Remove duct tape from mouth and nostrils.
  
• Start referring to terrorism as "The Yellow Peril".
  
• Stand in front of an enormous world map -- centered on the USA, of course -- in your secret undersea lair and say, in a generic foreign accent, "Zee Americains... zay haff let down zair guard... and now zay vill suffer!" Then start laughing manaically.
  
• Remember that it is no longer necessary to stop, drop, and roll every time you encounter a person of Middle Eastern descent.
  
• Go back to working at your job, shopping for groceries, fighting traffic, eating fast food, masturbating, deleting spam, paying bills, and falling asleep on the couch while watching MTV Cribs... what's that? You were doing all those things during the Orange Alert? What's the matter with you? Do you hate freedom?

+posted by Lawrence @ 1/10/2004 10:31:00 PM