THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW, VOL. 3

• People who use "literally" to refer to routine events. I last heard this abomination on VH1's "I Love the 80s", on which some has-been celebrity observed, "Mark McGwire was the best. I mean, he used to literally hit the ball over the fence." ATTENTION HAS-BEEN CELEBRITY: hitting the ball over the fence is called a home run. It is not an extraordinary occurrence: major league baseball players hit 5,207 of these home runs during the 2003 season, averaging 2.14 per game. Mark McGwire, all by himself, hit 583 home runs during his 16-year career, so using the word "literally" to describe Mark McGwire hitting a home run is like you saying "I struck out at the clubs trying to capitalize on my has-been celebrity status, so I went home and literally masturbated to Internet porn."
  
  To clarify: you should use the term "literally" only when you are concerned that your listener is in jeopardy of believing that you are describing an event figuratively, when in fact you are describing something unusual that actually happened. This often happens in conjunction with a cliche or other figure of speech. For example: if you are arguing with your boss and suddenly a large chunk of feces flies into the room and slams into an oscillating cooling device, you have the all-clear to tell your friends "... and that's when the shit literally hit the fan".
  
  (IN-CLASS EXERCISE: think of an example using the term "screwed the pooch.")
  
  
• The thing where I go to Subway and have this conversation:
  Sandwich Artist: Would you like cheese on that?
  Me: Yes, please.
  Sandwich Artist: What kind?
  Me: What kinds do you have?
  Sandwich Artist: Provolone, Swiss, and American.
  Me: Provolone.
  
  But I don't want provolone cheese. Provolone cheese has no taste! What I want is American cheese. Why do I ask for provolone cheese? And I always catch the mistake immediately, so why don't I just say, "Actually, I'll take American"? Am I really that much of a pussy? Who is John Galt?
  
  
• Football commentators who overuse the word "football", as in: "He really knows how to throw the football." "This is one heck of a football club." "Now that is how you catch the football." "He is a great, great football coach." Announcers for other sports never do this -- you never hear anyone say, "John Smoltz can really throw the baseball", or "Jason Kidd passes the basketball better than anyone." ATTENTION FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS: If you say that Brett Favre "really knows how to throw the ball", I promise not to be confused and think that you are referring to Brett Favre throwing lacrosse balls or bocce balls or whatever.
  
  
• Weatherpersons who call snow "the white stuff". Also: weatherpersons in cold-weather states who react to the arrival of snow between the months of November and March with shock and horror. This is not as much of a problem in Colorado, where snow is a money-making natural resource, but in Iowa, whenever snow was on the way, the weatherman would say, "Well, looks like we're going to get a little bit of the white stuff," in his smarmy voice, which was the cue for the anchorpeople to make their Big Frowny Faces of Surprise and Dismay, as if Martians had just landed in the town square with anal rape on their minds. Where are you people from, Guam? This is Iowa, and it's January, you assholes!

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/04/2003 12:05:00 PM