AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PERSON WHO INVENTED WHITE MERLOT

Dear Person Who Invented White Merlot:

I don't know who you are. But you need to know who I am, because I am coming to get you. Do not think that you are safe, barricaded in your Napa Valley compound, with its hundreds of well-trained shock troops and heavily-armed bodyguards. Do not think that you can hide in the foothills of Sonoma County, subsisting on roadkill and elderberries, relying on your cunning and animal instincts to defend against my attack. Wherever you go, I will follow. I will find you, and I will penetrate your defenses, and then you will be made to pay. You will pay for inventing White Merlot.

Oh yes... you will pay!

Perhaps it started innocently. You looked at the success of White Zinfandel, and you thought, "I wonder if it would be possible to do the same thing with Merlot." And so you tinkered with the blackest of secrets. You fermented the noble Merlot berries without their skins, (my teeth clench and my guts roil with anguish while typing these words.) Gone was the lovely ruby red color. Gone were the tannins and the aroma of black cherries. Gone was the spiciness on the palate and the long, rich finish. What remained was a pink, wine-like substance mostly indistinguishable from Bartles & Jaymes Razzle-dazzleberry wine cooler and best served with baloney sandwiches or day-old pizza.

Have you no sense of shame or decency?

Perhaps your transgression could have been excused in the name of oenology, as a example the folly and danger that lie down dark paths. Perhaps all could have been made right by destroying all existing bottles of the vile stuff, melting down the equipment used in its manufacture, burning the research notes, executing the mad scientists who assisted in the creation of the pink blasphemy and disposing of their bodies in an unmarked grave. But no. Somewhere in the reptilian depths of your mind, you thought, "I bet Americans would like this stuff! It's crisp and cold and rooty-tooty-fruity! They could take it on picnics and drink it with hot dogs and three-bean salad!" And so you bottled and sold it.

Curse you, Person Who Invented White Merlot!

What comes next? White Shiraz? White Pinot Noir? White Cabernet Sauvignon? Where will the madness end? I will answer for you: it ends now. Kilgore Trout has had enough.

Bahahahahaha!

Yours Most Sincerely,

Kilgore Trout

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/29/2003 09:21:00 PM