Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your consideration the Aurora Central High School football team of Aurora, Colorado.

The Trojans finished the 2003 season with an 0-10 record. They got outscored 550-24 and were shut out six times. Their leading rusher, Greg Florence, gained 175 yards -- for the entire season! -- on 112 carries, for an average of 1.6 yards per carry. In ten games, the team rolled up just 56 yards of passing offense, fumbled 27 times, and never converted a third down.

Just how bad were the Trojans? On September 4, they got shellacked by Fort Lupton 41-0. This was the only game Fort Lupton won all year -- they posted a 1-9 record while getting outscored 351-39 in games not involving Aurora Central. (Fort Lupton, by the way, is a class 3A team. Aurora Central is a class 5A team.)

But.

On August 29, Aurora Central traveled to All City Stadium to play the Lincoln Lancers in the first game of the year. In the first quarter, the Trojans' Vincent Holloway scooped up a fumble and ran it in for a touchdown. Score: Trojans 6, Lancers 0.

Let's pretend for a moment that you are the Aurora Central football coach. You have seen your guys practice and scrimmage, and you know that they are no good. You know that this is going to be a long, punishing season full of humiliating losses and whopping margins of defeat. You never wanted to be a football coach. In fact, you were only planning on teaching until you could get some paintings sold and move to New York. But then Marsha got pregnant -- by accident, supposedly -- and when the baby came you had to take this coaching job for a few extra bucks to make ends meet. You've started drinking in the morning, a little, and you've also been unable to perform your marital duties lately because you've been dreading this first game so much. But now the football gods have dropped a 6-0 lead in your lap. What are you going to do, Coach? What are you going to do?

Here is what you do. You say, "Fuck it, boys. We're going for two."

And that is what the Trojans did. Greg Florence ran in the two-point conversion, and suddenly the Trojans led 8-0. Aurora Central lost the game 34-8, and never held a lead again for the remainder of the season, but who cares? They went for two.

Fantastic.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/23/2003 01:22:00 AM