I am eating Corn Nuts. Barbecue-flavored. They are delicious.

Corn Nuts are perfectly named. They are large kernels of corn, fried in oil, (the website calls the snack "toasted corn", but the second ingredient on the list is "partially hydrogenated soybean and/or canola oil", so you figure it out), which gives them a pleasant, nutty flavor. The good folks at Kraft then drench the corn kernels in powdered artificial and natural flavors. Mostly artificial flavors, I imagine. I don't care. Corn Nuts. Mmmmmmm...

Are they crunchy? You're good and goddam right they are, mister!

I only discovered Corn Nuts this week. The bag caught my eye at Safeway. The bright red-and-black bag features a snarling anthropomorphic ear of corn and the slogan CORN GONE WRONG. CORN GONE WRONG -- I love that slogan. I've been repeating it to myself all week while I was supposed to be balancing the general ledger. And the anthropomorphic ear of corn has tousled silk for hair and a missing kernel to make him look like he got a tooth knocked out. Sold -- one 7-ounce bag of barbecue-flavored Corn Nuts. I'm a sucker for packaging.

Marketing works. "Not on me," you are saying. "Each one of my purchases is a considered, rational decision unaffected by advertising or social pressures and based solely on multiple, carefully weighted criteria including but not limited to: price, quality, quantity, need, the impact of the purchase on my budget and my financial goals, and the position of Jupiter relative to the Big Dipper." To which I say: ha. Specifically: ha ha. I don't see you buying the bagged cereal. And is that a swoosh I see on your shoes?

Just shut up and go get me some more Corn Nuts.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/01/2003 10:04:00 PM