I am constantly surprised by the number of people who would hesitate to tell another person that he has bad breath but feel perfectly comfortable expressing contempt for my lack of desire to be a father. "You'll change your mind when you meet the right person," they all say.

"I don't think so," I always say, smiling tightly.

"But you might," they persist, nodding their heads as if truth could be created by gesturing vigorously. "You might change your mind. You never know."

Yes, I might. Anybody might do anything at any given time. Yasser Arafat might convert to Judaism. President Bush might undergo sex-reassignment surgery. Ben Affleck might make a movie that doesn't suck. You never know.

Other people try to convince me that, unbeknownst to me, I actually do love children and want to raise scads of them. "Children are wonderful," they say. "Children are a reflection of the love shared between two people. Children are [insert slushy proverb copied from Precious Moments figurine]."

My father used to do this same sort of thing when my mother served macaroni and cheese for supper. I would refuse to eat it because I hate macaroni and cheese. My father would try to convince me that, in reality, I found macaroni and cheese to be a tasty and satisfying dish. He would do this through the use of Aristotelian logic. "You like macaroni, don't you?" he would say. "And you like cheese. So..."

You fill in the rest. But this doesn't work. People either like things or they don't -- logic has nothing to do with it. I don't know why I don't like children, and I don't care. It's a personal preference, not a fault. I personally can't even conceive what it would be like bear the responsibility for raising a family. It's like trying to imagine a fourth dimension -- I just can't wrap my mind around the concept, and anyway when I try I get an upset stomach and have to lay down for a while.

Add to all this the undisputed fact that raising children requires an incredible sacrifice of money, time, and energy. It seems obvious to me that the only people who should be having children are those who are sure they want them.

Look, everyone: You don't want me to have children. I'd be a lousy father. Any kids I raised would grow up to be drug addicts and car thieves. And why do you care, anyway? It's no skin off your ass. It's not like I'm trying to convince you not to have children. Christ, it doesn't matter to me -- have as many as you want, (and can afford, and are willing to pay attention to.)

I'm just asking for a little respect here.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/24/2003 06:50:00 PM