HIP HIP HOORAY! IT'S POTLUCK DAY!

Today is the joint Finance/Human Resources/Information Technology potluck. The haul:

• Seven-layer dip with blue corn chips
  
• Baked beans
  
• Rice Krispies treats with butterscotch/peanut butter topping
  
• A giant sub from Subway
  
• Two competing dishes of scalloped potatoes with cheese and ham
  
• An Entenmann's cheese danish
  
• Plastic utensils and napkins. Someone always has to pull that shit, and if that person is you, who do you think you are fooling? Everybody notices who the person was who brought plastic utensils and napkins, the same way everyone notices who brought one bag of chips to the barbecue and then downed five cheeseburgers and a six-pack of Milwaukee Best Light. If you have a potluck coming up this holiday season, write this down: Plastic Utensils + Napkins = Lazy, Pathetic Loser. Bad karma, man. These people usually die of cancer.
  
• 2-liter bottles of Coke and Sprite. See above.
  
• Pasta/vegetable salad
  
• Zucchini bread with miniature chocolate chips
  
• "Jambalaya", which appeared to be nothing but yellow Rice-A-Roni. Where's the sausage, Cajun Man?
  
• Ham
  
• Bagged rolls
  
• Vegetable tray, which nobody ate, of course. Notice to vegetarians: it's cool that you're vegetarians, but quit bringing vegetable trays to the potluck, because nobody wants raw celery sticks when they could be stuffing their faces with Kilgore Trout's Amazing Swiss Cheese Chicken Casserole.
  

Why do people bring so much food to potlucks? Most everyone brought enough food for about six people. But if you have ten people in a potluck, and each person brings enough food for six, you now have enough food for sixty people. This means that the average potlucker will take 83.3% of his or her offering home.

The uneaten food will not be distributed evenly, of course -- the seven-layer dip disappeared in thirty seconds, while the nearly all the baked beans remain, lonely and congealing in their Pyrex serving dish. I hate it when I bring something to a potluck and nobody eats it. It's like when people pretend not to notice your new haircut or when a girl turns you down for a date; it's a public failure at a very deep and miserable level. "You thought you made a tasty, appetizing dish that would draw admiration and hearty compliments from your coworkers?" is the unspoken message. "Think again. You're nobody special. In fact, you suck."

(Kilgore Trout's Amazing Swiss Cheese Chicken Casserole: Brown 5 chicken thighs in oil, drain and place in greased crock-pot. Layer on 6 slices of Swiss cheese. Mix a can of cream of mushroom soup with 1/4 cup of milk and pour over top. Cover with 2 cups of dry stuffing mix and drizzle on 1/2 cup of melted butter. Cover and cook on Low 8-10 hours. Serves three Kilgore Trouts or six normal people.)

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/17/2003 11:56:00 AM