GRANDMOTHER GIVES OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
TO FUTURE MINIMUM-WAGE WORKER/SMALL-TIME FELON

COMMERCE CITY, CO -- Louise Alton, 78, gave her grandson, Tyler Stevenson, a future wage slave and Class D felon, the motivational Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go! as a high school graduation present, sources reported Wednesday.

"I'm so proud of Tyler," said Alton, looking at a framed photo of her sullen grandson, who graduated 177th out of 190 in his class with a 1.07 grade point average. "He's such a smart boy. I just know he's going to do something big with his life."

Alton purchased Oh, The Places You'll Go! at the Westminster Mall Waldenbooks, where the book's colorful cover caught her eye from the "Gifts for Graduates" display.

"I started reading," said Alton, "and I came to a page with a drawing of air balloons and the words

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

And I thought, 'Well, that's Tyler. He just does so well at everything he tries.' And I bought that book right then and there."

Alton presented the book to Stevenson at his graduation open house, along with a fifty-dollar bill. Upon receiving the gift, Stevenson grunted and glanced briefly at the first page. He then dropped the book on a coffee table and left the open house to buy drugs with his grandmother's money. Alton spent the next hour reading selections from Oh, The Places You'll Go! to various family members.

"Look at this, Sarah [Stevenson]," said Alton to Tyler's mother, who has placed her son in detox three times since he was fourteen. "Doesn't this remind you of when Tyler used to play Little League?

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Now, can't you just see Tyler on television?" Alton asked, unaware that her grandson would be spending the next four years either unemployed or drifting between low-paying jobs at Burger King, Gas 'n' Go, Kmart, and Jiffy Lube.

When contacted for comment, a spokesman for Random House, the publisher of Oh, The Places You'll Go! said, "We are proud to distribute the work of Dr. Seuss, and we are glad that Ms. Alton decided to purchase one of his books as a gift. However, although the book states,

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

You have to understand that Dr. Seuss really meant for these words to apply to bright young college-bound boys and girls from good families with good grades and SAT scores in the second quintile or above. He did not intend for his whimsical rhymes to be read by white trash stoners who flunked remedial math twice, can only read at a fifth grade level, and will be arrested in July 2008 on drug charges, convicted of distributing methamphetamine through the U.S. Mail, and sentenced to five years in federal prison."

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/18/2003 11:55:00 PM