The federal government today raised the national terrorism threat level to orange, the second-highest rating. In response, I have been wearing a condom all day and will continue to do so until the rating is lowered to yellow. I suggest you do the same.

Doubtless you have some questions about how to prepare for a possible terrorist attack:

• What if I don't have any condoms? You should wrap your penis in several layers of duct tape.
  
• What if I am a woman? If you are unattractive and/or overweight, don't worry! Your unique biochemistry provides you with natural protection against terrorist attacks. However, if you are attractive, and especially if you have a large nose and small breasts, you are in terrible danger.
  
• Terrible danger!? What should I do? You must come to my apartment immediately. I will shield you with special terrorism-proof bedcovers and administer an injection of Dr. Trout's Anti-Terrorism Elixir.
  
• What if I don't like injections? Fortunately, Dr. Trout's Anti-Terrorism Elixir can also be taken orally.
  
• Okay, I got some condoms... ouch! How do I get this duct tape off? Just yank it off, like a band-aid. Don't be a pussy, man.
  
• OUCH!!!!! I have to go now.
  

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/21/2003 11:59:00 PM