BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:
1. My girlfriend and I broke up.
2. My best friend inexplicably stopped taking his bipolar disorder medication and spent the weekend in the psych ward.
3. The National Lacrosse League is on strike.

GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:
1. Wendy's is now serving Great Biggie fries for only $1.59.

You cannot believe what you just read. You are rigid and pale with shock. "Good God, man!" you are shouting, groping at your groin to keep from spontaneously urinating with excitement. "Only $1.59 for 190 grams of deep-fried goodness? Why, that's less than 7 cents per gram of fat!"

Indeed. Nowadays a trip to Wendy's sounds like a taunting match between eight-year-old boys. "Would you like to Biggie-size that?" the clerk asks, as if your ability to consume obscene quantities of greasy potatoes is directly proportional to your sexual potency. "Would you like to Great Biggie-size that? I double-dog dare you."

Those of you who unironically order Great Biggie fries might be interested in the Bacon Wave, a remarkable product that allows you to cook 14 slices of crispy bacon at a time. The Bacon Wave reminds me of commercials that used to run several years ago by Miller or some other beer maker who had increased the size of the opening in their cans. I used to watch these ads and think, If the only thing keeping you from drinking more beer is the size of the hole in the can, you have problems. Likewise: if you eat so much bacon that spending $9.95 plus $5.95 S&H on a device intended solely for cooking bacon becomes a rational purchase, you have big problems. Specifically, you have big, fat problems with jiggling man-titties and a 68% higher risk of dying from congestive heart failure.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/16/2003 03:20:00 PM