All I want for Christmas is a handjob from Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Meredith Baxter-Birney: if you are reading this, please know that I want you. You are the hottest TV mom ever, hotter than Phylicia Rashad and Patricia Heaton put together. I have watched every episode of "Family Ties" and every one of your made-for-TV movies on the Lifetime Channel. Do you remember the episode of "Family Ties" where none of the Keatons could get the water jug on top of the water cooler? And then you came in and stuck that water jug on the cooler with such effortless grace, like a ballerina rising to the tips of her toes. I was astonished by your strength and confidence in the face of adversity.

All I desire from you, Meredith Baxter-Birney, is a simple handjob. I will supply the lubricant and post-ejaculation cleaning materials. You do not need to remove any of your clothes if you don't want to, although I would consider it a wonderful favor to your greatest fan if you could remove your blouse and unbutton your jeans so I can see the waistband of your panties. But let me hasten to assure you, Meredith Baxter-Birney, that all I really need is your angelic presence and a rapid, up-and-down movement of your dominant hand.

Before the handjob, I will serve you a hearty and nutritious supper of grape Kool-Aid and Chef Boyardee Spaghetti & Meatballs. If you decide your Spaghetti & Meatballs would taste better with twice the meatballs, Meredith Baxter-Birney, I will pick out the meatballs from my own plate and give them to you. I will also cut up boiled hot dogs and put them in your Spaghetti & Meatballs, if you wish. If you get tired in the middle of the handjob, we can take a break and I will fetch you more grape Kool-Aid while you rest and restore your strength.

Meredith Baxter-Birney, I thank you so much just for listening to my plea. There is just one thing that could make our time together any more of a beautiful, life-affirming experience, and that is if Michael Gross could be in the closet peeking at us. He wouldn't have to take off his clothes or anything weird like that, just stand in the closet with the door slightly ajar so he could peek out at you giving me a handjob. Do you still have Michael Gross' phone number? I bet he would be happy to join us. (It's not as though he's busy these days.)

I don't have much, Meredith Baxter-Birney, just my Space Invaders Swatch, my lava lamp, my 1998 Chicago Marathon finisher's medallion, and my Sharpie collection. But you can have all of these things if you make this Christmas wish come true for me.

+posted by Lawrence @ 12/12/2003 08:44:00 PM