Remember those $300 tax relief checks we got from the federal government a year or two ago? Those were cool. What did you do with yours? I took myself out for a nice dinner -- something involving veal and a spicy Zinfandel -- and sent the rest to the credit card company. Tonight I am hungry and I still owe $9,000 in credit card debt, so if you're reading my blog, federal government, I could use another one of those checks.

I always wondered what Bill Gates did when he received his check. I want to think that, just like me, he looked forward to receiving his check in the mail and daydreamed what he would do with the precious little windfall. Did he linger outside shop windows, peering in at mp3 players and digital cameras? Or maybe he wandered into a jewelry store and found a perfect little diamond pendant for his wife, and it was $329.95, and he talked the merchant down -- Look, I'll have $300 in just like a week or so. I'll be able to give you $300 even, cash. Come on, man, I'm just asking for 9.077132899% off. My wife would love that pendant. I can see Bill getting home from work, and finding the check in the mailbox, and getting in his car and hurrying to the bank to cash the check just before closing time. Then he ran to the jewelry store and handed the surprised merchant a stack of twenties -- See? I told you! Three hundred dollars and not a penny less! -- and took the pendant home to surprise Melinda, who kissed him and said Oh, it's beautiful, Bill, and then she wore the pendant to the dinner table, even though they were only having Sloppy Joes.

None of this happened, of course. One of Bill Gates' army of accountants and tax lawyers took the check and dumped in with his other $34 billion or whatever, which increased his wealth in roughly the same way that you would increase the volume of the Atlantic Ocean by pissing off the side of a cruise ship. Or maybe Bill got hold of the check and let his kids color all over it, or maybe he threw a party for all his rich friends and they used their $300 checks as rolling papers for doobies, and then they all sat around and laughed like hyenas while they smoked their tax relief checks.

+posted by Lawrence @ 11/18/2003 09:56:00 PM