My sister works for a small software company in Miami. One day recently, an official order came down from management that employees were no longer to bring lunches containing garlic or cumin. The word got out when the employees would heat their lunches in the tiny breakroom, the owner's wife found the garlic and/or cumin odor offensive and asked that the owner put an end to the madness. (One imagines she made this suggestion while administering a particularly vigorous handjob.) The funny thing is that most of this company's employees are from Cuba or India, countries where people put garlic and cumin on their Cheerios.

I found it hilarious that a company would go so far as to specify which spices employees may use to season their lunches. I suggested that she come in early one morning and post a fake memo all around the office, something like this:

MEMORANDUM

From: Thomas T. Thompson III, President and CEO
To: All Employees
Re: Acceptable office conduct

It has come to my attention that many employees have continued to bring lunches to the office liberally seasoned with garlic and cumin, despite the new Luncheon Seasonings Policy distributed last week. Further measures are apparently necessary to curb the menace of eating smelly ethnic food on company property. Effective immediately, only the following foods will be acceptable for consumption during lunchtime:

Ham & Cheese Hot Pockets
Ketchup sandwiches on Wonder Bread
Corn Flakes
Communion wafers
Cream of asparagus soup
Tapioca pudding
Ice
Plain yogurt
Saltines

It has also come to my attention that employees have been heard arguing over the merits of one professional sports club as opposed to another, creating a hostile, unproductive work environment. Therefore, in order to foster copmpany unity, all employees will immediately adopt the Arizona Cardinals as their favorite team. Employees will not root for any other teams, even teams that compete in completely different sports.

Finally, some employees have been observed reading books during their lunch breaks that are too hard for other employees to understand. This undermines the team philosophy that is central to our company's success. Starting tomorrow, employees will only be allowed to read John Grisham legal thrillers on company property.

+posted by Lawrence @ 11/25/2003 10:57:00 PM