Which ethnic holiday is more fun -- St. Patrick's Day or Columbus Day?

It's no contest. One associates St. Patty's Day with green beer, public drunkenness, fun parades, green plastic hats, calling out "Begorrah!" and "The luck o' the Irish be with ye!", corned beef and cabbage, leprechauns, and twofer specials on Guinness. Whereas Columbus Day conjures up images of empty mailboxes, dreary parades marred by Indian protesters correctly pointing out that Columbus "discovered" America in the same sense that pickpockets "discover" your wallet, and Italian-Americans responding that they too number among the downtrodden because The Sopranos portrays them all as mobsters.

I can't figure out the Italian-American determination to become a certified oppressed group. Yes, Italians were victims of discrimination in the first half of the twentieth century. Yes, Italians are disproportionately portrayed on TV and in movies as gangsters and greaseballs. Who cares? Are Italian-Americans today being denied employment, credit, or housing? Does anybody seriously believe that the average Italian-American is involved with organized crime?

Italian-Americans would do well to imitate Irish-Americans, who have faced terrific oppression in this country as well as their own, and are disproportionately portrayed by the entertainment industry as violent drunkards. But the Irish have sensibly concluded that because the "No Irish Need Apply" signs have come down, and because nobody is getting turned down for a mortgage because his name is O'Malley, they might as well poke a little fun at themselves. Ask an Irish-American if he wants another beer, and he'll call out cheerfully, "Of course I want another beer! I'm Irish!"

Columbus Day isn't about Christopher Columbus any more than St. Patrick's Day is about St. Patrick. Think of the revelry that could be had if we changed the name of Columbus Day to Italy Day or whatever. People would call each other "paisano", wear fake handlebar mustaches, and gorge themselves on calzones and lasagne and Lambrusco Grasparossa di Castelvetro wine. People would actually attend the parades. Local theaters would run De Niro and Pacino and Fellini movies all day. We would have two fun holidays in October.

Come on, Italian-Americans. Do I have to make you an offer you can't refuse?

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/13/2003 05:01:00 PM