THINGS OBSERVED ON A ROAD TRIP FROM DENVER

TO RUN A MARATHON IN MY HOMETOWN OF MASON CITY, IOWA

• Iowa is beautiful. I had forgotten this. Iowa is especially beautiful after eight hours of driving across the billiards-table-flat scrubland of Nebraska and eastern Colorado. Iowa is filled with rolling green hills and creeks winding through groves of trees and white farmhouses tucked into vales and cows on hillsides and all that Grant Wood stuff.
  
• Iowa is cold. The temperature at the start of the race was below freezing, and over the next four hours barely poked into the 40s. Eight miles into the race, I had to duck behind a tree to transfer the glove on my left hand to an appendage that is, shall we say, more important than my left hand. This worked better than I had any reason to expect it would.
  
• A guy in a truck stop twitching and mumbling, "I need laundry soap but I don't know where to find it you'd think it would be right here they hide that stuff you know." He looked to me for confirmation. Notice to all mumbling people: The rest of us have no desire to get involved with your search for laundry soap, or anything else you might be mumbling about. Please leave us alone.
  
• In Iowa there is a river called the "Nishnabotna". Isn't that a great word? Listen to the way it sounds coming out of your mouth: Nishnabotna. I could say it over and over and over. In fact, I will. Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna Nishnabotna.
  
• Iowa also has a river called the "Middle Raccoon River". You may be wondering if there is a "Top Raccoon River" and a "Bottom Raccoon River". Does the Top Raccoon River fuck the Bottom Raccoon River in the ass? If so, do they use condoms and practice good anal health? (To put your mind at ease: there is no Top or Bottom Raccoon River. They are called the North and South Raccoon Rivers.)
  
• An aqua Thunderbird with license plate "VVVVVVV".
  
• A man who had attached a decal of the Tasmanian Devil to his yellow Jeep, apparently on purpose.
  
• A deer that had been hit by a semi. An orange-clad highway worker was removing chunks of the carcass with a pitchfork. Traffic 1, Wildlife 0.
  
• Just south of Mason City, I saw a pheasant take flight right into the side of a minivan going 70 miles per hour. Feathers scattered. Traffic 2, Wildlife 0.
  
• Iowa has a town called "What Cheer". Iowa also has a convenience-store chain called "Kum & Go", referred to as the "Squirt & Scram" by local teens. Iowa also has a grocery-story chain called "Hy-Vee", which sells a Mountain Dew citrus-soda knockoff called "Heee-Haw". (Yes, there are three e's in "Heee".)
  
• The Danish Windmill and Danish Immigrant Museum in Elk Horn, the Bob Feller Museum in Van Meter, John Wayne's Birthplace in De Soto, and the International Wrestling Institute and Museum in Newton. I blew past all of these Iowa roadside attractions at 75 miles per hour.
  
• Central Iowa has a radio station called "Mix 100.3". Denver also has a Mix 100.3 radio station. Does your city have a Mix 100.3?
  
• It is 796 miles from Denver, Colorado to Denver, Iowa.
  
• Plainfield has a football field right next to a graveyard. Did the people of Plainfield take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to name their team the "Gravediggers" or the "Undertakers"? Sadly, no -- Nashua-Plainfield High School's team name is the Huskies.
  
• Campaign sign seen in Mason City: "Please vote Tornquist for City Council". In Iowa, we say "Please" when asking people to vote for us.
  
• In my marathon goodie bag, I received a biodegradable golf tee constructed of corn starch, courtesy of the Iowa Corn Board. Finally -- a solution to the problem of landfills overflowing with golf tees made of wood, which is not bio... never mind.
  
• I also received, from an anonymous party, a package of candy bearing a label reading:
  
  Rainbow Beans
  (Chocolate covered soybeans)
  Like M & M's but better for you.
  Soybeans are healthier than peanuts.
  
  My verdict: Rainbow Beans are like M & M's, except shitty. Kids love Rainbow Beans, according to the the people at Super Soynuts, who are also eager to sell you soybeans flavored with Honey Mustard, Onion & Garlic, Jalapeno & Cheddar, or Butter Toffee.
  

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/28/2003 11:11:00 AM