Okay, so The Fan Who Kept Moises Alou From Catching The Foul Ball -- identified by the Chicago Sun-Times as Steve Bartman, 26, a youth baseball coach and lifelong Cubs fan -- should have kept his hands to himself. That's what you would have done, right, Mr. Cubs Fan? You would have sat there with your legs crossed at the knee and hands folded neatly in your lap while Alou made the catch. Then you would have applauded politely, taken a sip of your White Zinfandel, and gone back to crocheting your doily, right? Right?

Bullshit. You are a baseball fan, and when that foul ball came your way, you would have done what all baseball fans do in that situation, which is to go into Foul Ball-Induced Psychosis and do anything possible to get that ball so you can show it to the guys and maybe get on SportsCenter. If necessary, you would have jumped the railing and kneed Moises Alou in the groin to get that ball. This is no joke. I have seen replays of baseball fans falling over upper-deck railings trying to get a souvenir baseball.

Having a foul ball come your way with your favorite team fielding in the top of the eighth inning of Game 6 of the National League Championship Series is one of those things that nobody ever thinks will happen to them, and nobody ever prepares for, and when it happens, it happens too fast to think and consider the right move. I would have done the same thing that Steve Bartman did, and you would have too, and then it would have been me or you getting beer dumped on our heads and having people threatening to kill us. (I'm not sure what a man would have to do in order to make me want to throw beer at him and threaten him with injury, but I'm reasonably sure it would have to be worse than marginally influencing a baseball game that means nothing, ultimately.)

Consider this:

The game situation before the foul ball was: Cubs up 3-0, Marlins batting in the top of the eighth, man on second, one out, 2-2 count.

The game situation after the foul ball was: Cubs up 3-0, Marlins batting in the top of the eighth, man on second, one out, 2-2 count.

After that: walk, single, error, double, IBB, sac fly, IBB, double, and single. Eight runs score. Not exactly what one expects of the rightful owners of the National League pennant.

Real champions don't fall to pieces because some guy in headphones sticks his hands in the wrong place. Michael Jordan wouldn't have crumbled like that. Neither would Joe Montana. And neither will the cursed Yankees, should the Cubs meet them next week.

Come on, guys. Convince me that you belong in the World Series.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/15/2003 04:11:00 PM