LOCAL MAN ONLY NEEDS PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE TO WIN PLASMA TV

Denver resident actually taking McDonald's Monopoly game seriously

DENVER -- Kilgore Trout, 29, of Denver, has successfully collected North Carolina Avenue and Pacific Avenue, and now only needs Pennsylvania Avenue to complete the greens and win a Samsung Plasma Digital TV, sources reported Monday. The announcement sparked general amazement that someone is actually taking McDonald's Monopoly promotion seriously.

The Monopoly promotion, which runs from October 14 through November 10, allows McDonald's customers to win prizes by collecting game pieces and affixing them to a Monopoly-like "game board". For example, players who collect all three yellow pieces -- Marvin Gardens, Ventnor Avenue, and Atlantic Avenue -- can win a notebook computer.

"Every time I tear the pieces off my Super Size soft drink, I'm just sure it's going to be Pennsylvania Avenue," said Trout. "That plasma TV will look so awesome in my living room." Trout also confirmed that he has Park Place, which would win him $1 million if combined with Broadway, "but I'm not getting too excited about that one. They always flood the contest with Park Places to get you pumped up, and then there's only a few Boardwalks around."

Trout said he usually goes to McDonald's two or three times a week, but since the Monopoly promotion started, he's been going at least six times a week. "Champions find a way to win," he said. "Like sometimes I stop off on the way home to get medium fries off the Dollar Menu just so I can get another game piece."

Playing the game has not been without its challenging moments. Trout has received many duplicate pieces, including "about fifteen fucking Mediterranean Avenues," and has had several pieces fall off due to the poor quality of the adhesive backing. Now, says Trout, he tapes each piece securely in place.

"One of the first pieces I got was one of the railroads," said Trout. "I threw it away, because if you collect all four railroads you win a rafting trip, which sounded kind of lame. But I found out later that you can take cash instead of the rafting trip, and now I have the Short Line, B&O, and Pennsylvania Railroads. Now all I need is the Reading Railroad and I'll win that cash."

"I'm pretty sure it was the Reading Railroad I threw away," added Trout, frowning.

Trout's friends and coworkers have not shared his enthusiasm for the Monopoly promotion.

"He won't shut up about that retarded Monopoly game," said G.Z., a close friend of Trout's who requested anonymity. "He only ever wants to go to McDonald's anymore, and when we go, he's always bugging me: 'Is that Pennsylvania Avenue? Did you get Pennsylvania Avenue? If you got Pennsylvania Avenue, you would give it to me, wouldn't you?' Once I pretended I had Pennsylvania Avenue and then tossed the thing out the window. He went batshit on me."

"I've caught him several times looking at his Monopoly board when he's supposed to be calling our delinquent customers," said Jan Zanios, Trout's supervisor. "If it happens again I'll have to write him up. Plus he's always bugging the other workers about if they got Pittsburgh Avenue, or Red Railroad, or whatever. I think he even sent out a company-wide email."

"What a fag," added Zanios.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/21/2003 04:07:00 PM