I have lost 17 pounds in the last 20 weeks. Please, hold your applause and prepare to be amazed: I did this without the help of Dr. Phil and his new book The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. (Check out the hilarious cover photo featuring Dr. Phil's clenched fist -- apparently Key #1 is "Put down that Twinkie or I'll punch you in the face.")

Right now, you are curious. You are wondering how I lost 17 pounds without threats of violence from a bald self-improvement guru from Texas. You are trembling and slightly sweaty with anticipation. Mostly you are thinking that you could stand to lose 17 pounds yourself, and brother or sister, you are correct. I wasn't going to say anything, but you have really packed it on ever since what's-his-or-her-name dumped you. How would you like to run into him or her on the street, with your butt hanging out like that? Yeah, that's what I thought. Keep reading, then, for the Kilgore Trout Shocking and Revolutionary 2-Step Weight-Loss Plan.

Step 1: I ate less. Notice that "eating less" does not mean "switching immediately from a typical American high-fat-and-sugar diet to half a grapefruit for breakfast and celery sticks for dinner." I don't have that kind of will power, and neither do you, because everyone who has the ability to stick to that sort of regimen is already on it. I just ate less, that's all. I quit keeping ice cream and cookies around my apartment. I switched from regular soda to diet and exchanged potato chips for pretzels. I didn't stop eating fast food -- I went less often and bought smaller meals. I started measuring portions. I quit eating when I was full. I made myself be a little hungry for a hour or so before eating snacks. Nothing too difficult there, right?

Step 2: I exercised. I have expended about 50,000 calories by running over 500 miles in the last 20 weeks. Because a pound of fat contains 3500 calories, my exercise program alone helped me lose about 14 pounds. Five hundred miles sounds like a lot, but really it averages out to running five miles five times a week. Most anyone can work up to doing that, and people who don't like running can do one hour of whatever other vigorous exercise five times a week. You won't lose weight if you don't exercise, because you'll have to slash your diet down too far and you won't be able to stick to it.

Christ, I don't know. It just doesn't seem that hard.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/22/2003 04:17:00 PM