Hugging women makes me nervous.

Well, not all women. I do just fine hugging women with whom I am romantically involved, or women that I have known for a long time. But I get very nervous when I have to hug, say, my poker buddy's fiancee, or a slightly tipsy hostess when I leave a party.

I am, you see, a shy and reticent person. I am reluctant to share my body heat with people who are not dying of hypothermia.

I often execute the hugging maneuver awkwardly because I fail to see it coming, like a quarterback who can't read the coming blitz. For example, I might be wrapping up a strained and not-quite-successful first date... I start to extend my hand... and suddenly I'm tangled in a hugging situation. At that point, it's too late to audible to a handshake or fake a coughing fit.

Also, I never know where to put my right hand while hugging. Left hand falls safely on her left shoulder blade; with this I have no problem. But my right hand can't go on her right shoulder blade, as that area is blocked by my left elbow. The most natural place is below my left elbow, but a bra strap usually lurks in that area, just the thickness of a cocktail dress away, and placing my hand there makes me feel like a pervert trying to cop a feel.

I might mention that I also get jittery when shaking hands with men. I mangle about one handshake attempt in four -- usually I time the shake badly and end up getting my fingertips crushed in the other man's fist, which makes me look like a nancy-boy. When this happens, I lower my voice an octave and initiate a conversation about professional hockey.

Another sure way for a man to look like a nancy-boy is to drop a thrown object. Recently, during a CPR training class, the instructor tossed me a marker. The throw came toward my left side, which was bad because my left arm is a barely functioning appendage, useful mostly for maintaining balance. I successfully made the catch, but to do so I had to twist to the left and clap both hands together on the marker. Men are not supposed to catch things this way. Men are supposed to catch things casually, with either hand but not both, and without undue contortions of the body.

Just call me Nan C. Buoy.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/23/2003 05:44:00 PM