HOW TO FIGHT A BEAVER

• When the beaver launches into its Razor Tail of Death move, push right, right, then hold the left button down while pressing triangle, triangle, circle, square. This will unleash your Anti-Rodent Flaming Foot defense, which causes at least 17% damage. (If you win the fight with this move, you get to see a secret Mortality screen where your flaming foot barbecues the beaver and you and your friends eat him with fava beans and a nice chianti.)
  
• Taunt the beaver by reminding him that Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict. (Most beavers are conservative Republicans.) The beaver will retreat to its lodge to sulk and pop a Vicodin.
  
• Slowly stroke the beaver until it becomes moist and engorged with blood. Gently insert one or two fingers... oh, sorry.
  
• When choosing a weapon, remember that a beaver gains a +3 bonus to its armor class when defending attacks from wooden weapons. Also, if you plan to use a gun, be sure to load it with silver bullets in case you are facing a werebeaver.
  
• If the beaver leaps fifteen feet into the air, twisting in the air while flinging shimmering water globules from its tail in slow motion, you are in a Matrix sequel. Call your agent and ask if she got you a percentage of the gross.
  
• If the beaver is showing blitz, call an audible to Double-Z Minnesota Right. Take the snap and hit the open tight end before the pass rush can penetrate the line.
  
• Pretend that you are a county building inspector and ask to inspect the beaver's lodge for code violations. The beaver will make excuses to get away, because beavers are corner-cutters and never install the proper number of smoke detectors or handicapped parking spaces.
  
• Engage the beaver in a debate about the designated hitter rule. After a year or so of fruitless argument, the beaver's teeth, (which grow continuously), will get so long that it will be unable to fight, and you can dispatch him at your leisure.
  
• If the beaver opens with 1. P-K4, do not respond with 1. P-K4 P-QB4. Beavers are well-versed in the intricate Sicilian Defense and will use their early control of the center to retard your development and crush your kingside in the middle game.

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/14/2003 03:01:00 PM