Any day now, the new Arkansas quarter will start showing up in your pocket change. Now that we're halfway through the U.S. Mint's 50 State Quarters Program, I thought it would be nifty to rank the quarters by economy and effectiveness of design and post that ranking with cheeky reviews of each coin. You probably think that any person who spends time doing such a thing also sorts his paper currency by denomination with all of the portraits right side up and facing forward and generally leads a dreary existence devoid of joy or hope or even occasional coitus. You, sir, are correct.

Today's post will review the fifteen worst state quarters, listed from worst to most mediocre. Tomorrow's post will review the ten best quarters. (I can't post images on this blog, so if you want to look at the quarters yourself, you're just going to have to click on the links, you lazy piece of shit.)

25. Louisiana. This awful quarter violates Kilgore's First Law of State Quarter Design: Pick one image and stick with it. The reverse side of a quarter measures less than eight-tenths of a square inch in area. The Louisiana coin designers split that tiny area up among three images: an outline of the United States with the Louisiana Purchase colored in, (easily the dumbest graphic on any of the state quarters so far); a pelican; and a trumpet. Why? Why not show, say, a jazz musician playing the trumpet and zoom in on him, allowing for greater size, detail, and coherence? As it stands, Louisiana takes the prize for Worst State Quarter Released So Far.

24. Arkansas. This coin's cluttered composition includes a diamond, rice stalks, and a mallard flying over a lake, breaking both Kilgore's First Law of State Quarter Design and Kilgore's Second Law of State Quarter Design: Do not show a bunch of crap from your state that nobody cares about. The rice stalks, for example, symbolize Arkansas' rice industry. Who cares? Rice stalks are boring.

23. Illinois. This ugly quarter violates the First Law by showing Abraham Lincoln plus a Chicago skyline and a farm scene -- a wishy-washy compromise. Why not just show a closeup of Honest Abe? Illinois' coin also breaks Kilgore's Third Law of State Quarter Design: Do not include your state's outline. Eight of the first twenty-five state quarters have included their state's outlines, as though this was some sort of Mint-sponsored geography lesson. Hilariously, Abe's figure is cut off by the edges of the state outline, making it appear as though he's trying to escape. This quarter also includes the cryptic slogan "21st State/Century". (Illinois was the 21st state admitted to the Union, see, and this is the 21st century... get it?) This is an obvious infraction of Kilgore's Fourth Law of State Quarter Design: Avoid retarded slogans.

22. Missouri. This design breaks the First Law by showing both the Lewis & Clark expedition and the Gateway Arch. In a hilarious twist, Lewis and Clark, who explored from 1804 to 1806, appear to be rowing toward the Gateway Arch, which wasn't built until 1965.

21. Ohio. This quarter achieves the seemingly impossible Grand Slam of Bad State Quarter Design by violating all four Laws: the First (shows both an early aircraft and an astronaut), the Fourth ("Birthplace of Aviation Pioneers" -- Orville Wright, Neil Armstrong, and John Glenn were born in Ohio), the Second (who cares where they were born? They all went on achieve their aviation breakthroughs elsewhere), and the Third (so that's what Ohio looks like!).

20. South Carolina. Just another messy coin with the state bird, state tree, state flower, and state outline, breaking the First, Second, and Third Laws. Ho-hum.

19. Maryland. The only element on this very boring quarter is the Maryland Statehouse, which "features the country's largest wooden dome built without nails." WHO CARES? Attention Maryland: Your entire state gets two minutes in the penalty box for violation of the Second Law.

18. Indiana. These guys chose to put an open-wheeled race car on their quarter, which was a good choice. But why shrink it down and superimpose it over an outline of Indiana -- I know what Indiana looks like -- and a ring of nineteen stars? Why not just do a closeup of the race car?

17. New Hampshire. In a positive development, New Hampshire obeyed the First Law and chose a single image for their quarter. Unfortunately, in a clear infraction of the Second Law, they chose something called The Old Man of the Mountain, a mass of rock that, when viewed from a certain angle, appears to be a mass of rock. Thanks for playing, guys.

16. Georgia. Have you ever wondered what the state tree of Georgia is? Would you like to try impressing women in bars by reciting the state motto of Georgia? Are you a moron who always thought Georgia was square, like Wyoming? Do you like to look at peaches? No, no, no, and no? Um, never mind, then.

15. Pennsylvania. Depiction of very cool statue "Commonwealth": Good, very good. Shrinking down of statue to show keystone logo (Second Law violation) and outline of state (Third Law violation): Bad, very bad. Bad! Bad state! No treat!

14. Delaware. The strongest praise I can give this extremely mediocre design is that it is not quite as boring as Maryland's. It does, however, violate the Second Law by depicting a man on horseback named Caesar Rodney. A recent poll found that three out of four Delaware residents believe Caesar Rodney to be "a gay porn star". (The fourth Delaware resident thinks that he is "a kind of salad dressing".)

13. Tennessee. This is not a bad composition, although a little busy, including a trumpet, a fiddle, a guitar, and a musical score. This appears to be a violation of the First Law, but it is not, because all of the elements contribute to a common theme, (helpfully spelled out by a banner reading "Musical Heritage"). A closeup of a person actually playing one of these instruments would have been a nice improvement, though.

11. (tie) Massachusetts and New York. Two quarters that could have been great, had they not shrunk their excellent subject choices -- the Statue of Liberty and the Minuteman statue -- and superimposed them over their respective state outlines. Why did anyone ever think this was a good idea? Should Leonardo have reduced the size of the Mona Lisa's face and superimposed it over an outline of Italy?

+posted by Lawrence @ 10/16/2003 04:07:00 PM