Wittenburg Post-Gazette, 30 October 1517

LOCAL PRIEST UNABLE TO COME UP WITH 5 MORE THESES

WITTENBURG -- Sources report that City Church priest Martin Luther, 34, has been frustrated in his goal to write 100 theses criticizing the the Catholic Church's practice of selling indulgences for redemption of sin.

As of press time, the Wittenburg University professor of theology was stuck on 95 theses.

"Stick a fork in me, I'm done," said a visibly exhausted Luther. "I'm really disappointed. I used to lay awake at night, picturing it in my mind: 100 THESES, by Martin Luther. Now I'm going to have to go with 95 THESES, which sounds retarded."

"The first 75 theses or so were pretty easy," Luther continued. "But then I ran out of ideas, and for the next 20 I just put down stupid stuff or reworded earlier theses. But now I'm completely dry."

Luther admitted to being "something of a perfectionist."

"Listen to this," Luther said. "Thesis #3: Yet it does not mean solely inner repentance; such inner repentance is worthless unless it produces various outward mortification of the flesh. That, my friend, is good stuff. I just won't follow that up with Thesis #96: The pope's hat is totally lame, which is the best idea I've had in a week."

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/29/2003 01:55:00 PM