Sure, I love America for all the usual reasons -- freedom to resemble, purple mountin' majesties, and a constitutionally guaranteed right to sleep sound in the knowledge that Congress may not pass any bills of attainder or ex post facto laws. But I never realized what a great country this was until I went to Safeway to buy lettuce. There, awaiting my consideration, were: iceberg lettuce, red leaf lettuce, green leaf lettuce, endive lettuce, romaine lettuce, and butter lettuce. If I desired a more exotic lettuce experience, I could choose among spinach, cabbage (green, red, or savoy), collard greens, mustard greens, and bok choy. I could purchase lettuce already cut up and attractively packaged in plastic bags, complete with croutons. I could decorate my lettuces with 203 varieties of dressings and 5 different kinds of bacon bits. Truly we are a mighty young Columbus betwixt the earth.

I barely suppressed the urge to burst into patriotic song when I entered the cereal aisle. In what other country can citizens choose from among 255 breakfast cereals? Why, if I ate a box of cereal a week, I could go for five years without having to buy the same cereal twice! Can you do that in France or Madagascar? (I wouldn't know -- I've never been out of the United States.) Even if they can, I bet they don't have 9 varieties of ketchup and 7 distinct kinds of barbecue chips. America rules.

I love America because if I don't feel like eating lettuce or breakfast cereal, I can go to a restaurant and gorge myself on traditional American food, the greatest cuisine in the world: pizza, tacos, sushi, falafel, gyros, and kung pao chicken. I also love America because we have the coolest flag, way better than those European countries with their pansy three-stripe flags. Hey, baby, that's fifty stars on that flag, count 'em: fifty. Second place goes to Uzbekistan, with twelve stars. Nice try, Uzbekistan!

I love America, with our fruity plains stretching from sea to Chinese sea. If the world were a high school, we would be captain of the football team, banging all the cheerleaders, while all the other countries would be riding the short bus. So watch out, other countries -- we're just getting warmed up.

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/24/2003 11:36:00 PM