My father was the funniest man I ever knew. For example, when I was ten years old, I wanted to know what hemorrhoids were. I wanted to know because I kept seeing commercials for Tucks and Preparation H products where they would extinguish matches with medicated pads, or show embarrassed people having oddly non-specific conversations with chipper pharmacists about "itching" and "burning." What were they talking about? I wanted to know.

So I went up to my dad and asked, "Dad, what are hemorrhoids?"

My dad's face got all red and he yelled, "You know goddam well what hemorrhoids are!"

Har! I told you he was funny!

Another hilarious thing my dad said came after we had him committed to a mental hospital. We had found him in the living room after he attempted suicide by overdosing on antidepressants. He denied it was a suicide attempt, though, and explained that "pills are how women do it. If I was going to kill myself, I would use a gun."

Ha ha! You should take that show on the road, Dad!

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/15/2003 05:40:00 PM