It's perfectly okay with me if you take naps at work. Your boss probably thinks differently, but I say the hell with her. If she's so smart, why is she stuck supervising peons like you? Ask her that the next time she gives you a bad review!

You should not take naps at your desk. Not only do you risk getting awakened by annoying business-related phone calls, but you might drool on your keyboard and ruin it, and your company would deduct the cost from your next (and final) paycheck. Also, if you have the kind of coworkers who like to play practical jokes, they might put your hand in a glass of warm water or put shaving cream on your face, and then you would look silly giving that important PowerPoint presentation.

The best place to nap at work is in the bathroom stall. You're going to be in there for awhile, so to avoid suspicion, you should make subtle comments to your boss and coworkers like "I haven't urinated in six days," or "I feel like I have a cinder block lodged in my sphincter!" When your eyelids start to get heavy from doing too much of whatever kind of boring work you do, go into the bathroom and lock the stall. Sit down on the commode, put your elbows on your knees and slump forward and you should be asleep in no time.

The trick to successfully napping on the toilet on company time is not to push it. Twenty minutes is plenty. Any longer than that and -- trust me on this -- your legs will fall asleep and you will fall down when you stand up. If this happens, your best option is to fake a seizure. People will feel sorry for you and wedge a stick between your teeth, and if you do it right you might get an ambulance ride to the hospital where you can score some lime-flavored gelatin dessert.

Experts disagree as to whether you should actually raise the toilet lid and drop your pants while napping on the commode. My answer is a definite yes -- what if your stupid boss comes peeking under the door and sees you sitting there with your pants up? Word will get around that you're a pervert, and then you'll never get a date with that hot chick in Human Resources. If you have your pants down, though, with your eyes closed, your boss will assume that you are just concentrating hard on pushing out a monster dump. (You did remember to tell your boss about the cinder block, right?) Also, when your pants are puddled around your ankles, it makes a perfect place to put your glasses, which could otherwise fall off and get scratched.

Sweet dreams!

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/16/2003 02:16:00 PM