I don't like it when different people have the same name. What kind of sense does that make? They're different people, so they should have different names. Take the name "Dave," for example. There are about 1 billion Daves in the world, which is extraordinarily confusing. If I run into someone named Dave, how am I supposed to know if it's Dave, the doctor who will be performing my kidney transplant surgery, or Dave, the guy on the motorcycle who stole my girlfriend and taunts me by sending homemade videos of the two of them having sex?

My policy is to never have more than one acquaintance with the same name. Let's say I meet someone for the first time, and his name is Dave:
SOME GUY: Hi, my name is Dave.
ME: Ummmm... well. I'm sorry, that's just not going to work for me.
SOME GUY: (puzzled) Not going to work?
ME: Well, I already have a Dave, you see, and he's doing a fine job, so I really can't replace him at this juncture. But I can offer you another position... (I pull out a name list.)
SOME GUY: Look, my name is Dave, so I don't know...
ME: If you want to stay in the D's, I can put you at... Dirk, Damien, or... well, Dwight just opened up.
SOME GUY: Why did Dwight open up?
ME: Never returned my Van Halen CD. What a dick. Speaking of which, Dick is wide open. You want Dick? You like Dick?

I usually get assaulted at this point, which is why I'm grouchy much of the time.

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/17/2003 04:04:00 PM