I am a master of talking on the phone with girls. You can be, too! Here's how:

Be prepared. You should buy a box of condoms and place them on a tabletop where you can see them. You won't need to wear a condom while talking on the phone, of course, but having condoms around creates confidence by giving you the illusion that you are sexually active.

Warm up properly. Calling girls on the telephone is a strenuous activity, and jumping into a call without proper preparation places great stress on the body and mind. To avoid injury, you should always warm up by pacing around your apartment or bedroom at least 450 times. You should then pick up the phone, put it back down, stare at it for two minutes, mutter "fuck" under your breath, and go to the kitchen for a glass of water. After drinking as much water as your quivering bladder will allow, pick up the phone and dial the first five digits of the girl's phone number. Then hang up and organize your CD collection in alphabetical order by the artist's astrological sign. If you do not have a CD collection, you may spend twenty minutes reading the warning label on a can of Lysol.

Start with a joke. If you want women to like you, you will need a sense of humor or a degree in medicine. Most men don't have either, so you will probably have to fake it. You can find great jokes published each month in Playboy magazine, on the flip side of the centerfold. As soon as the girl answers the phone, read one of these jokes and pretend that you made it up. If she doesn't laugh, read the joke again, but louder and more slowly -- she probably didn't hear you clearly the first time.

Avoid "danger" topics. When you are talking to girls on the phone, they will probably want to discuss only a few topics, like shoes and shopping and movies starring Julia Roberts. You will have to learn to feign interest in these matters while forgoing more sophisticated subjects such as World Wrestling Smackdown or a woman's rightful place in a marriage. Try this: while the girl blathers about shopping for sandals at the mall, stay silent until she stops to breathe. Then make a noncommittal sound like "ohuh." Repeat as necessary. Advanced practitioners can execute this maneuver while watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.

Now get off the Internet and start burning up those phone lines, you silver-tongued bastard!

+posted by Lawrence @ 9/02/2003 12:03:00 AM