Today I was out on my usual five-mile run when I saw a dog running around on someone's lawn. Now... I like dogs, really I do, but at that particular point in my life I really just wanted to finish my run; I was not looking to establish a new relationship with some random dog. The dog thought otherwise -- it saw me coming from half a block away and ran out on the sidewalk to meet me. The owner failed to notice this, being immersed in the important project of staring at the ground. I hoped the dog would let me run by unmolested, but it was just a big puppy, maybe nine months old, and it started jumping up and down and keeping me from getting past.

Only then did the owner, a middle-aged woman, notice what was going on. "Here, Bailey!" she called, clapping her hands. "C'mere, Bailey!" Bailey, not being human and/or properly trained, could not understand what she was saying and dashed about in a few delirious circles before intercepting me again. Finally the owner got Bailey to heel and I was able to continue my run. But how annoying!

I get very angry dog owners who refuse to control their animals. Look, you guys, your pets are not people. They are animals, and they behave accordingly. You are responsible for not letting them frighten and irritate other people. Here are the rules:

1. Train your dog. This means that your dog actually obeys the commands come, sit, stay, and heel, not that you have mastered the ability to shout them at your uncomprehending dog while it runs around and shoves its nose into the crotches of innocent passersby.
2. If you're too lazy to train your dog, or if you can't or won't keep an eye on it, put your dog behind a fence or on a leash. The purpose of a leash, by the way, is to restrain your dog, so it doesn't count to buy a 30-foot retractable leash that allows your dog to do whatever it wants.
3. Get it through your head that "commands" like "Get away from that man!" do not work because your dog is not human and does not speak English.
4. Don't assume that everyone else loves your dog as much as you do.
5. If you are five feet tall and weigh 95 pounds, don't buy a 150-pound German Shepherd, for chrissake.
6. If you are too dumb or irresponsible to follow these simple rules of common courtesy, you don't deserve to own a dog.

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/22/2003 12:32:00 AM