I like girls with big noses. I do not know why... I mean, I never look at a girl and think, Wow, she's got a big nose. That's so hot. It's just that when I think about the women that I find attractive, a suspiciously large number of them have big noses. So if you're a pretty girl with a big nose, please please please don't go to the plastic surgeon and get your face all hacked up just so you can be another anonymously attractive sorority-girl clone with a cookie-cutter button nose. Wear that nose with pride and smile. Someone has to look interesting in this world -- why not you?

I also like girls with small breasts -- B-cups are ideal. What's the obsession with big tits? They're not interesting in any way; they're just big and dumb and floppy, like a summer blockbuster action movie. Small breasts, on the other hand, have character and style. They're firm and taut and intriguing, like a smart independent film. Removing a bra to reveal a pair of small breasts for the first time is like finding a treasure. Who knew what was hiding under there? Big boobs, by contrast, are always a disappointment. You've basically seen them already, and so has everyone else. Ladies, if you're considering getting breast enhancement surgery, don't. If you want men to stare at your chest -- and I can't imagine what other purpose a boob job would serve -- just wear a tight shirt. Guys will be drooling, even if you're sporting AA's. Don't you get it? Men are sheep. Treat us that way.

The moral of the story: don't pay some quack to tear your flesh so you can meet some impossible standard of beauty that has nothing to do with you. Because, you see, someone out there thinks you're beautiful.

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/21/2003 01:22:00 AM