I just got back from running five miles and I'm eating some delicious cheese bratwurst, which were buy-one-get-one-free at Safeway last week with my Safeway club card. I really do love that Safeway club card -- all I really do when I go grocery shopping is look for the yellow tags and I save, save, save. Last week I saved about 28% just by shopping smart and remembering to swipe my magic red card. I was so happy...

Something else I love: My body pillow. When you sleep alone -- and I do, 99.5% of the time -- you need something to snuggle up with so you can pretend that you're not as desperate and sexually deprived as you really are. Body pillows are also great for role playing. For example, let's say you have a crush on someone at your office, someone named Chris, someone good-looking and smart and carefree and just slightly out of your range, someone who would fall for you for sure, no doubt, if he or she would just take a goddam minute or two to get to know you, the real you, the you that's bright and funny and surprisingly sophisticated and not at all bitter or crippled with guilt and self-loathing. Anyway, you can hug the body pillow close to your chest and seduce it, just as if it were Chris lying in your arms and not a polyester fiber-filled cloth sack. "Oh, Chris," you can whisper fiercely, "you can't know how long I've wanted to hold you this way." Go ahead and give it a try sometime. The shame goes away faster than you think, trust me.

I also love this cheese bratwurst I'm eating. Think about it: it's bratwurst... with cheese inside it! Amazing! Outstanding! Remember back when, if you wanted bratwurst with cheese, you had to buy those Kraft pasteurized process cheese food singles, and drape them over the bratwurst, and half of it would melt on the pan, or fall into the grill, and the other half would sit unmelted on top? Remember how sometimes you would buy the Safeway-brand pasteurized process cheese food singles because they were 2/$4.00 with your Safeway club card, and that stuff wouldn't melt at all and tasted like plastic? Ha ha! What a lot of bullshit that was!

+posted by Lawrence @ 8/14/2003 09:57:00 PM